Movie Review: Bram Stoker's Dracula (Part 1)

(This review is turning out to be pretty lengthy and in-depth, so I'm gonna release it piece by piece over a few days).

Bram Stoker's Dracula. Aka Coppola's Dracula. Or as I like to call it: BS Dracula.

This is definitely a weird one to review, because a lot of people really like this movie. While I can see that there are some good things about it- It's one of the stupidest and most disappointing vampire films ever. Let me begin with a rant. This film was directed by Francis Ford Coppola. He made the Godfather films, The Conversation, and Apocalypse Now. It stars Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins. It's Dracula. It has no right to be a bad movie. Yet despite all odds, it manages to be SO BAD.

Now some of you might say, "What are you talking about, Chad? Coppola's Dracula is awesome!" Well, maybe I can imagine that. If you've never seen either Nosferatu, the Universal Draculas, or Christopher Lee in the Hammer films, I can see how you might make that mistake. And some others might claim it's the closest Dracula film to the source material. Well here are my answers: 1) No, you're wrong. This movie is watchable, but it's crap. 2) It's true to the letter (sometimes) but not to the spirit of the Bram Stoker novel. I imagine the people that claim this is the best Dracula film are either pretentious types who believe the horror genre is below them, or the people who think the musical version of Phantom of the Opera is superior to the Lon Chaney silent film. Both have a common characteristic of always being wrong.

OK, rant over. 

The movie 'expands' on the novel, linking Dracula with his historical namesake Vlad Tepes, who appears to be Gary Oldman playing Rob Zombie in armor. His lover commits suicide and he renounces God when a Hagrid-looking priest tells him that her soul is damned. Well, he's suitably pissed off. He stabs a stone cross while forsaking God, damning himself to become a vampire...somehow. On the plus side, the blood-spouting cross is one of the best effects in the movie and looks really sweet. Less than five minutes in, best effects in the movie. Yeah.

JAM IN THE BACK OF MAH DRAGULA!

Next we cut to 1897, where Keanu Reeves is setting off to make a most triumphant real estate deal with Dracula. And this is where the movie starts to suck. Even the people who like the film won't defend Keanu Reeves. His attempt at a British accent is as painful as having your nose broken while having Tabasco poured in your eyes. Anyway, we see him taking Thunder Mountain Railroad to Transylvania while Gary Oldman narrates a letter. He gets on a carriage to the Borgo pass where some old dude with a helmet that...dangles quarters on a string gives him a crucifix. Soon after, Dracula's carriage shows up driven by a guy in armor which appears to be modeled after Sam the Eagle. He takes Keanu to the castle, where he's greeted by Gary Oldman cosplaying as Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2. I don't even need to mention that his hairstyle looks, literally, like an ass. Let me remind you, THIS FILM WON AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST COSTUMES.

Meanwhile back in England (we flip back and forth, so I'll try to keep the flow going), repressed schoolmarm Winona Ryder is hanging out with Sadie Frost, who can't seem to talk about anything other than sex. Which of course prompt's Winona Ryder's wallbanger of a line, "Lucy is a pure and virtuous girl." Yeah, after you've spent the last few scenes scolding her for having a dirty mouth. So...make up your damn mind, movie. Is Lucy a slut or not?

And I also want to bring up another thing- Sadie Frost actually does a really good job playing Lucy. She's just stuck with horrible lines and ridiculous scenes. This is true of pretty much everyone, but it sticks out like a sore thumb when she's doing so much better than Winona Ryder, who sounds about as English as Walter Brennan.

Back in Transylvania, Keanu is shaving and Dracula sneaks up on him. Like as a prank or something. Keanu cuts himself, Dracula takes the razor and licks the blood off. They exchange some expository banter in which Dracula pretty specifically tells Keanu not to check out the other rooms in the castle. Being the moron that he is, Keanu wanders around the castle, apparently long enough to enter the secret inverted part where Dracula's three hot vampire ladies await. The scene recalls nothing so much as the dream sequence in Ghostbusters when Dan Aykroyd gets...um, ghost head. Only with 300% more lesbian kissing. Now I'm all for girl-on-girl action (sad and lonely individual that I am), but in its proper context! After about 5 seconds the scene gets uncomfortable to watch. Until of course, Dracula shows up to chase his brides away and make us comfortable again. Or not. He pulls a baby out of a bag and feeds it to them. CHRIST. Cue the legendary Keanu scream from the AVGN's Sega CD review.

YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE? 

TO BE COUNT-TINUED...AH, AH, AH...