Movie Review: Bram Stoker's Dracula (Part 2)

Back in London we're introduced to the far more interesting trio of Lucy's suitors, which consists of a bumbling Dr. Seward, a guy mimicking George W. Bush's speech patterns ten years early, and Cary Elwes. Seriously, Elwes is awesome. He's my favorite part of the film. He seems to know what kind of movie he's in and hams it up plenty. Plus he rocks a killer waxed handlebar mustache. It's no wonder the smooth motherf***er ends up bagging Lucy. The guy just has to say "As you wish" and women melt and bend to his will. It's the English Lord equivalent of Bruce Campbell's "Give me some sugar, baby."

We also get a few scenes of Dr. Seward at his asylum, talking to a miscast Tom Waits as Renfield (seriously, he looks like a character in Battleship Potemkin, and I can't get that out of my mind). On top of that, why do they allow a dangerous lunatic to have that little Freddy Krueger glove thing? Does that seem like a good idea? We also notice that the asylum is staffed by Pyramid Head's less creative brothers, and that the Doctor has a little morphine addiction. Which is never referenced again in the film, so the one scene where it's shown is completely pointless. So much for character development.

At one point Lucy runs out to tell Mina that she's accepted Cary Elwes' marriage proposal. Then it starts raining, so they...run around the garden and briefly make out. I'm thinking when he was working on the Godfather, Coppola thought, "You know what would make this movie awesome? Two chicks making out!" While you can't really fault that logic, it does feel more than a little bit forced. It's like the guy has spent his entire career trying to shoehorn a couple of girl-girl kisses into his films and not finding any place for them in Tucker: The Man and His Dream, telling James V. Hart- WHATEVER ELSE YOU DO, I MUST HAVE LESBIANS!

Well, Dracula gets on a ship to England, where he slaughters the whole crew and regenerates into his younger self- a kind of weird combination of Geddy Lee and Dale Earndhart. First thing he does upon hitting the shore? Turns into a weird-ass wolf-bear thing and rapes Lucy. I think this form may be what Penny Arcade was talking about when they mentioned Dickwolves. So there you go. Dracula turns into a Dickwolf and...yeah none of this shit was in the novel. So much for being Bram Stoker's Dracula. Hello, Bob Guccione's Dracula! (Or Draculigula, if you prefer).

So Lucy becomes ill after the Dickwolf attack (Dracula bit her), and Dr Seward calls Dr Van Hannib-um, Van Helsing to come check up on her. This leads to attempting a blood transfusion, complete with gratuitous breast shot for no reason. Of course, this leads to the greatest single moment in the film, when Cary Elwes explodes the doors open with his bare hands and bellows "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON UP HYAH?"

Frankly at this point my concentration on what's happening is broken by the sheer awesomeness of that. The first time I saw that I had to hit reverse and re-watch the scene about ten times. The occupants of the room are lucky he only hit the doors to open them. If he's kicked the doors in he would have decapitated the two doctors!

(Note to self: SCREENPLAY IDEA.)

In the meantime, Dracula takes to stalking Winona Ryder around London, dressed like Willy Wonka. Or a Victorian pimp. I'll let you decide. The movie tries to play his awkward stalking as romantic. Sure, because bothering an engaged woman, taking her to a nudie theater, giving her absinthe and following her home is romantic and not stalkery and creepy. This is a theme you'll see popping up more and more in vampire fiction from the 1970's onward. And it's a load of horseshit that wasn't in Stoker's text. So my opinion- stalking is not cool nor sexy. I don't care if you're a walking corpse or not. It's just something you don't do. Now, this would work fine if the film was playing Dracula as the villain, but IT CASTS HIM AS THE SYMPATHETIC LEAD! Make up your damn minds, writers!


In the meantime Keanu jumps from Castle Dracula (which, you might notice bears an uncanny resemblance to a guy sitting on a toilet) into a river while Winona waltzes around candle filled rooms with Dracula. He finds his way to a church where he's nursed back to health and the Mother Superior shoots a letter of to Winona, who decides to leave Gary Oldman and his pornstache for more EXCELLENT! waters. She sends Drac a letter and he turns into a blubbering mess, crying purple watercolor tears in bizarre makeup and then yelling, "VINDS! WINDS! WIIIIIIIIIIINDS!" (Thundercats, HOOOOO!)


But wait. He was crying. DRACULA was crying. 

What.

Anyways, Dracula decides to end Lucy because Mina abandoned him, which causes the walls to explode with spouts of high pressure blood. It reminds me a lot of Johnny Depp's death scene in Nightmare on Elm Street and I think they wanted to symbolize Dracula having an orgasm or something...which, if that's what they were going for, it's pretty tasteless. Anyhow, the scene ends up with Lucy dead and Mina on her way to meet and marry Keanu, whose hair is now badly dyed gray. 


So until the next arbitrary cliffhanger...TO BE CONTINUED!

Movie Review: Bram Stoker's Dracula (Part 1)

(This review is turning out to be pretty lengthy and in-depth, so I'm gonna release it piece by piece over a few days).

Bram Stoker's Dracula. Aka Coppola's Dracula. Or as I like to call it: BS Dracula.

This is definitely a weird one to review, because a lot of people really like this movie. While I can see that there are some good things about it- It's one of the stupidest and most disappointing vampire films ever. Let me begin with a rant. This film was directed by Francis Ford Coppola. He made the Godfather films, The Conversation, and Apocalypse Now. It stars Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins. It's Dracula. It has no right to be a bad movie. Yet despite all odds, it manages to be SO BAD.

Now some of you might say, "What are you talking about, Chad? Coppola's Dracula is awesome!" Well, maybe I can imagine that. If you've never seen either Nosferatu, the Universal Draculas, or Christopher Lee in the Hammer films, I can see how you might make that mistake. And some others might claim it's the closest Dracula film to the source material. Well here are my answers: 1) No, you're wrong. This movie is watchable, but it's crap. 2) It's true to the letter (sometimes) but not to the spirit of the Bram Stoker novel. I imagine the people that claim this is the best Dracula film are either pretentious types who believe the horror genre is below them, or the people who think the musical version of Phantom of the Opera is superior to the Lon Chaney silent film. Both have a common characteristic of always being wrong.

OK, rant over. 

The movie 'expands' on the novel, linking Dracula with his historical namesake Vlad Tepes, who appears to be Gary Oldman playing Rob Zombie in armor. His lover commits suicide and he renounces God when a Hagrid-looking priest tells him that her soul is damned. Well, he's suitably pissed off. He stabs a stone cross while forsaking God, damning himself to become a vampire...somehow. On the plus side, the blood-spouting cross is one of the best effects in the movie and looks really sweet. Less than five minutes in, best effects in the movie. Yeah.

JAM IN THE BACK OF MAH DRAGULA!

Next we cut to 1897, where Keanu Reeves is setting off to make a most triumphant real estate deal with Dracula. And this is where the movie starts to suck. Even the people who like the film won't defend Keanu Reeves. His attempt at a British accent is as painful as having your nose broken while having Tabasco poured in your eyes. Anyway, we see him taking Thunder Mountain Railroad to Transylvania while Gary Oldman narrates a letter. He gets on a carriage to the Borgo pass where some old dude with a helmet that...dangles quarters on a string gives him a crucifix. Soon after, Dracula's carriage shows up driven by a guy in armor which appears to be modeled after Sam the Eagle. He takes Keanu to the castle, where he's greeted by Gary Oldman cosplaying as Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2. I don't even need to mention that his hairstyle looks, literally, like an ass. Let me remind you, THIS FILM WON AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST COSTUMES.

Meanwhile back in England (we flip back and forth, so I'll try to keep the flow going), repressed schoolmarm Winona Ryder is hanging out with Sadie Frost, who can't seem to talk about anything other than sex. Which of course prompt's Winona Ryder's wallbanger of a line, "Lucy is a pure and virtuous girl." Yeah, after you've spent the last few scenes scolding her for having a dirty mouth. So...make up your damn mind, movie. Is Lucy a slut or not?

And I also want to bring up another thing- Sadie Frost actually does a really good job playing Lucy. She's just stuck with horrible lines and ridiculous scenes. This is true of pretty much everyone, but it sticks out like a sore thumb when she's doing so much better than Winona Ryder, who sounds about as English as Walter Brennan.

Back in Transylvania, Keanu is shaving and Dracula sneaks up on him. Like as a prank or something. Keanu cuts himself, Dracula takes the razor and licks the blood off. They exchange some expository banter in which Dracula pretty specifically tells Keanu not to check out the other rooms in the castle. Being the moron that he is, Keanu wanders around the castle, apparently long enough to enter the secret inverted part where Dracula's three hot vampire ladies await. The scene recalls nothing so much as the dream sequence in Ghostbusters when Dan Aykroyd gets...um, ghost head. Only with 300% more lesbian kissing. Now I'm all for girl-on-girl action (sad and lonely individual that I am), but in its proper context! After about 5 seconds the scene gets uncomfortable to watch. Until of course, Dracula shows up to chase his brides away and make us comfortable again. Or not. He pulls a baby out of a bag and feeds it to them. CHRIST. Cue the legendary Keanu scream from the AVGN's Sega CD review.

YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE? 

TO BE COUNT-TINUED...AH, AH, AH...

Movie Review: Friday the 13th Part IV- The Final Chapter

The Friday the 13th series is one that isn't really...that good. Now I will admit that Jason and his hockey mask are pretty cool, and can respect the series for what it is: about 10 hour and a half films of gratuitous murder and even more gratuitous nudity. Possibly (and probably) combined. Now the first two films are actually pretty good, as cheap exploitation flicks go- they aren't short on tension or shocks, and I actually consider the 2nd film to be one of the better slasher films. However, beyond that, the series takes a steep slide down a hill covered in cow pies. While 3 was nothing special, the fourth installment is more worthy of a verbal riffing. So here goes.

The film starts off where the previous one left off (making it take place on what, Saturday the 14th?). We see Jason get carted off to a hospital morgue. We're briefly introduced to two nameless meat puppets- a nurse and an orderly- who proceed to start screwing. And if there's anything that can wake up Jason from beyond death it's sex out of wedlock! Obviously he ends the two rather quickly. Probably saving the hospital a considerable amount of money for the amount of work they must be getting done (considering they're casually f***ing in an unlocked room). I also want to point out that I'm not sure what the orderly was watching- it seems to be a weird cross between porn, a workout tape and a music video. It fails at all three as it's neither erotic, good for your cardiovascular system or particularly rocking.

Anyway, we cut to two separate story threads. Crispin Glover and his douchenozzle friends are taking off to rent a cabin, and Corey Feldman, his sister and his mom are living at a cabin nearby. Neither group of people is particularly interesting, what with Feldman being an annoying little bastard and Crispin Glover, well...Maybe I should just show you.





Anyway, Crispin and pals head to their cabin after making pointless contact with Feldman and family, and promptly break out the beer, pot, and what I can only guess are silent era nudie films. I'm guessing after a few six packs of Old Mil you really don't give a damn what you're watching. And surprise, surprise, our old pal Jason shows up to butcher these heathen youths! Truly, Mr. Voorhees, thou art a servant of the Lord!

Meanwhile, back with the Goonie, we find Corey Feldman...not doing much. He has a dog named Gordon, which isn't funny by itself, but gets much funnier if you shout Brian Blessed's "GORDON'S ALIVE!!!" anytime he's onscreen. We only really come back to his story thread later in the movie, when Feldman and his sister are holding Jason off. Which really gets weird when Corey Feldman shaves his head and- I don't know plays on Jason's psyche with an image of- oh, f*** it. I don't know what it means, but I do think it was pretty funny that Corey Feldman of all people wasted a guy who waded through teenagers like they were rain puddles. And then Jason is apparently dead. BY. COREY. FELDMAN'S. HAND.

There are a lot of scenes in the movie that seem to try and play off Corey Feldman's character as some kind of boy genius- he "is getting pretty good at" making latex masks and can apparently fix his family station wagon with nothing more than a screwdriver. But seriously, I'm just not buying what they're selling.

And frankly? In this series it's not half bad. The expected amount of brutal kills, boobies, and bad acting all show up and...it delivers what you expect. On the other hand, all movies beyond the 3rd were stupid, formulaic slashers, so...whatever. It's not remotely scary, but it has some redeeming values played as a campy (no pun) comedy.

Coming Soon: Reviewgamesh Video Reviews

I'm going to start doing comedic, insanity-tinged videos (in character) soon. With any luck I'll have the first one up mid-November.

Email Subject Line Horror

So I opened up the old email client and checked aound...among the usual "is now following you on Twitter" and "copyright infringements", there was one from iTunes. It was ominously titled only "Lady Gaga Says Thanks."

I immediately started to sweat. Admittedly, if it had said "Peter Gabriel Says Thanks" or "Steve Harris says thanks"- I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Heck, if it had said "Ke$ha says thanks" I would have been relieved because that would explain who's been rooting through my trash (and I blamed raccoons). But I'm not really a fan of Lady Gaga and I haven't downloaded any of her songs. The closest thing I have is the Eric Cartman rendition of Poker Face which, like anything Eric Cartman sings is at least 11 times better than the original. So you can understand that I get the chills when someone who wears meat (and doesn't, surprisingly claim to be a Viking berserker or an orc) says "thank you".

My first thought? Oh shit, she's gone beyond wearing meat and she now wants to wear human skin. And pre-emptively thank me for it. Admit it, in some corner of your psyche you've been afraid Lady Gaga wants to put a .30 slug through you, skin you and wear you as a man suit a la Buffalo Bill. And I get fed worms in some underground complex, being commanded to put the lotion on my skin until Jody Foster and Scott Glenn show up to rescue me. I think it's a legitimate and valid fear.

Anyway, it was just a stupid email subject line that I decided to exploit for comedy purposes. It was far more benign- just a badly titled form letter. The text advertised Apple's new Ping service:

"Lady GaGa found a new way to thank you. Britney Spears is doing yoga. Taylor Swift is hanging out at the Eiffel Tower with her brother. Follow your favorite pop artists and bands on Ping and comment on their posts, buy concert tickets, enjoy personal photos and videos, and more."

Well whoop de f***ing do. Apple, I cut you guys a lot of slack. I didn't say anything about the iPod's non-replaceable batteries. The slimline keyboards feel so insubstansial that I can't feel comfortable typing on them. But really? That's the most hilarious damn email headline I've ever seen. I know it's a form email but you guys could at least root through my iTunes history and replace "Lady Gaga" with...well something I've downloaded. Apple, I gave you the right to root through what I listen to so we can avoid faux pas like these.

My top ten Horror-Comedies

Well, Halloween is almost upon us and I've taken time out from my busy schedule of making snarky comments at Kotaku's expense to provide you with some good viewing choices for said night of ghouls and ghosts. Forget the vitriol of the last few posts, I'm gonna talk about something I like! There are 10 days till Halloween, so I present to you 10 films for your enjoyment!

(In no particular order, because I love all of these films.)

10. The 'Burbs- Perhaps the last Tom Hanks movie I can take seriously after seeing Mazes and Monsters, this little gem was directed by The Howling and Gremlins director Joe Dante, who has a rare gift for mixing horror with humor (or did until recently, if his hamfisted and unclever Masters of Horror entry is an indication). The plot concerns a suburban family man named Ray with a variety of kooky neighbors- an ex-green beret, a busybody, Corey Feldman, and the mysterious Klopeks. This one is something of an inversion of the old Twilight Zone episode "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street"; or maybe just a version of it with a broken aesop. One way or another, it's still a pretty damn funny movie.

9. Tales of Terror "The Black Cat" - One of the Roger Corman Poe pictures, Tales of Terror combined 3 stories (most of which were actually comprised of multiple Edgar Allan Poe tales) into a single anthology film. "The Black Cat" is the most entertaining of these segments, featuring elements culled not only from the titular story but also the Cask of Amontillado. It concerns a hard-drinking man named Montresor (played by Peter Lorre) who enters a drinking contest with Vincent Price's Fortunato Luchresi. The two play off each other very well, with Lorre mostly playing deadpan straightman and Price hamming it up and clearly having a great time with the role. It's the best segment in the film, and well worth watching.

8. Ernest Scared Stupid- This is probably a controversial choice, as a) not everyone is fond of the Ernest movies and b) the Nostalgia Critic panned it. Well, I don't believe in getting butthurt because someone whose reviews I enjoy panned the first movie I saw in theaters. And it's pretty childish and campy, yes- but it's also a lot of fun. Involving Ernest, the town garbageman, and some trolls he raises, there are all kinds of what can best be described as "wacky hi-jinks". Yes, it's a little cornball, but my inner child would beat me with a plastic light saber if I didn't include it on this list. Also- it features creatures by the Chiodo brothers. So there.

7. Evil Dead 2- Best described as a ludicrously bloody Three Stooges movie, Evil Dead throws the serious horror of its predecessor to the wind in favor of cartoonish setpieces and masterful physical comedy, and is all the better for it. Bruce Campbell moves from stoic leading man to comic nutball within about 20 minutes, and the movie doesn't really let up after that. It might not be the ultimate experience in grueling horror, but it's a very, very funny film.

6. Night of the Creeps- Would almost be a straight-up cheesy 80's horror flick, if not for the fact that it's an homage-fest for fans of the genre. You can take it as a serious example of the genre or a spoof, and either way you'll end up having a lot of fun. In particular, the movie features the riotously deadpan Tom Atkins (from the Fog and Halloween III) as a police detective. What makes the movie fun is that the movie knows that it's cheesy and takes great pride in not taking itself too seriously.

5. Re-Animator- This would probably have been a pretty straight-up horror flick if not for two factors- the direction of Stuart Gordon and the iconic performance of Jeffrey Combs as Herbert West, in one of the most inspired mad scientist roles ever. It helps a lot that the movie doesn't skip on characterization or splatter- we get some strongly written subplots alongside plenty of great special effects. But what everyone remembers is Jeff Combs as Herbert West and David Gale as his John Kerry-lookalike nemesis Dr. Hill.

4. Ghostbusters - This is an unlikely contender- after all, it contains big stars and a big budget! However, Ghostbusters has gone to become one of the most beloved comedies of all time, with comic geniuses at the helm and in front of the camera. If you haven't seen this cinematic masterpiece yet, what are you waiting for? There are no more words to describe it, ONLY ZUUL!

3. Shaun of The Dead - THE zombie comedy. While other zombie films have had elements of comedy (the Return of the Living Dead series) and George Romero's films always had a streak of dark humor, Edgar Wright's Shaun of The Dead is great because it would work as a straight up zombie film even if it wasn't very funny. Of course, the key selling point is that it's hysterical, and I think that this is in part because the cast plays so well off of each other. They just seem completely comfortable with each other- or uncomfortable, when it's appropriate. Simon Pegg is perfect as the most average of joes, and Nick Frost is equally memorable as his terminally non-serious best friend.

2. Young Frankenstein - What Entertainment Weekly's old review guide called Mel Brooks' most subtle and stylish film, you'll benefit from being familiar with Universal's first three Frankenstein films before watching this. Not that it isn't a great movie on its own- it's just that the barrage of homages and inside jokes might be lost on you otherwise and you'd be missing out on some of the best bits of the film. Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman (among others) give rollicking, eccentric performances that make it a memorable film, and its black and white photography is absolutely beautiful.

1. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein - The grandaddy of all horror spoofs, this one is pretty special. Not only does it feature the titular duo and the Frankenstein monster, but it features Bela Lugosi and Lon Chaney, Jr. in their most famous roles as Dracula and the Wolf Man. Abbott and Costello deliver on the physical comedy and well-timed gags, while the Dracula conspires to bring the Frankenstein monster back to life. Even in a comedy, Lon Chaney Jr. gives Larry Talbot an air of sympathy and pathos as the ever tragic Wolf Man, and the fact that the movie balances humor and horror so well is what makes it my #1.

So now, there's 10 more days till Halloween, Halloween, Halloween...

Be sure to check out my Splatterhouse retrospective over at Bits 'n' Bytes if you haven't already! http://bit.ly/9JQa6Y

Kotaku's non-news :F*** That Noise!

Prepare yourself. Something stupid this way comes.

http://kotaku.com/5668940/

So yeah. Kotaku decided to waste a Tweet and a blog post to tell us that a porn star showed up for the premiere of Just Dance 2. And it was short. And it was stupid. And I'm going to write an article longer than the article I'm complaining about because Kotaku reported something that doesn't really have a damn thing to do with video games. 

Not to pull out a hardcore vs. casual stance, because I think that debate is incredibly stupid, but seriously. How many of Kotaku's readers give a damn that Just Dance 2 even exists? Why does it matter that a porn star showed up to the premiere? And I mean that regardless of her occupation. Barack Obama, Jesus Christ and The Joker could show up on a vintage train caboose towed by Godzilla, and it still wouldn't f***ing matter because Kotaku is (supposedly) a gaming news site. It's their job to cover games. Not the premieres of games (and do tell me, since when do video games have movie style premieres? Why do these things exist?). Kotaku is Kotaku, not TMZ, not Entertainment Tonight, they are Kotaku. We should hold them to a higher standard than this bullshit because they're getting paid. They're supposed to be journalists.


And game journalists at that, not tabloid hacks.

I've got news for you, Kotaku (god, does it HAVE to rhyme like that?). That news you think is news is not news. Find something substantial to write about, or I will. And I will try my hardest to make my 5 or 6 readers think your editing staff are chimps.