Monday, November 15, 2010

Selective Fire Canon: Star Wars

"You'll find that many of the truths that we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."
...Obi-Wan explains the film Rashomon

The Star Wars Universe is one big clusterf***. Depending on what you like and what you don't you're going to pick and choose your own canonicity, in spite of what George Lucas says. Because he's old and senile and basically nuts. 

So I count the original trilogy, as originally released in theaters (in 77, 81, and 83), as indisputable canon. I'm not going to argue that Luke and Leia are siblings. I am going to argue that Boba Fett is space-Clint Eastwood and not an australian guy.

I count Timothy Zahn's Thrawn trilogy of novels. Because I like them. I count the Dark Forces/Jedi Knight series of games- I accept that Kyle Katarn obtained the Death Star plans from the secret Imperial base and later did other incredibly badass things. And Shadows of the Empire is canon. Again because it's awesome.

I also count Splinter of the Mind's Eye, and the Han Solo and Lando Calrissian trilogies as canon.

I don't count the Special Editions. They were cool when I was 9, but now they just piss me off.

I count some of the prequels' events and characters- as in I believe that most of those characters existed and events happened in the Star Wars universe...I just don't believe that Anakin was such a whiny bitch, or that the clone army was based off of Boba Fett's dad (which is probably the biggest and most painful pandering I've seen short of having Natalie Portman naked for the entire film.). I thought Boba Fett was awesome before that. When you see him as a little kid going "Heh heh heh"...well shit, I'm done.

I also tend to believe Mace Windu was a much cooler character. Not the level-headed guy he was, because WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE SAMUEL L JACKSON PLAY A CALM AND COLLECTED GUY?

I tend to believe the exploits of Obi-Wan, Qui-Gonn, and Yoda are well represented. However I accept that the Gungans were actually a race of Hawkmen (as evidenced by the fact that Brian Blessed, Prince Vultan himself, is their leader). However, Hawkmen would have been too f***ing awesome so they were recast as incompetent underwater Jakovasaurs. I believe Darth Maul existed, had a double-bladed lightsaber and looked like the Devil.

I don't really think that Palpatine fooled anyone with his Sidious bullshit. Seriously, have you ever tried to keep a hoodie down like that? It doesn't work for long, and surely everyone would recognize the f***ing Republic's chancellor and wondered where he was disappearing to while meeting with his lackeys.

And finally, I believe Christopher Lee's character existed. I just have a problem with the fact that he's called "Dooku", which is one step away from Dookie. So in the Chad Morelock Canon, he is officially Count Dracula. In space. With a lightsaber.
Dracula Approves.
And for the record, Old Anakin appears at the end of Jedi. While a traditional Ewok celebratory song- Yub Nub! Is played.

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