Thursday, November 25, 2010

Raging Rant of Great Justice: On Reviewing

Since I reviewed Splatterhouse, I've gotten quite a few personal messages in the various forums in which I've posted it. Messages that tell me I'm wrong, that I wasn't fair to the game, that I should consider that a lot of people worked really hard on the game. I've gotten messages saying it's not my job to rip games apart. Well you know what?

Fuck that noise.

My review is my opinion. Yes, I accentuated the negative. I also highlighted what I liked. The problem was, there wasn't a lot I liked and there was a lot of negative to accentuate. And you know what? I did this because that's what a game reviewer has to do. A reviewer's responsibility is to gamers. To consumers, not producers. And you know what?

You might have a different opinion than I do. That's fine. It's even OK if you like the new Splatterhouse. A game, or a film, doesn't have to be good for you to like it. If you like it, it's your business. I'm not the taste police. But please don't try to tell me I'm wrong. You're wrong for telling me I'm wrong. Any review is subjective.

I developed my theory on game reviewing while my grandma watched me playing Final Fantasy X. It was one of the Cloister of Trial puzzles. And she asked me "Are you having fun?". I realized that I wasn't. I was bored out of my mind at the lazily designed puzzles I was solving. Since then, my key, most important feature of any video game? I should be having fun. And with Splatterhouse the fun ran out in about 20 minutes (loading pauses included). I played through to the end so I could review it fairly. And I gave my opinion, which included all of my problems with the game.

This is called reviewing.

And look, I'm not a paid professional. I'm not even a blip on the industry radar. I'm just writing for fellow gamers and consumers. I'm just trying to give potential buyers my opinion. Games cost a lot of money. I shelled out $65 bucks for Splatterhouse, and I think I should let other gamers know that I found it to be a steaming pile of shit before they spend that kind of money. And then the fanboys (who have formed after the game's been out for a day, that's scary) come out of the woodwork and tell me to shut my trap.

I don't care about the feelings of game producers if they produce a piece of shit. If you defend Splatterhouse by saying "a lot of people worked on this", then you can defend Action 52. Or an Uwe Boll film because a lot of people worked on them. Screw them. If they produce a low quality product, they should feel bad. They turned out a half-ass product and sold it for 60 bucks. They deserve to have their feelings hurt. Mediocrity should not be rewarded!

How dare I pay full price and demand a competent product instead of an unfinished game that rewards me with CG nudie pics. How is that even an incentive these days? I have the internet! I may be pitiful enough to look at pictures of naked women, but they're real flesh and blood women, dammit!

And as for bad jumping controls- Mario has been around for 25 years and competent jumping controls have been around at least since Pitfall on the Atari 2600. I could forgive the early Castlevania gams for tanklike jumping. But this is 2010. There's no fucking excuse. If you can't make a character jump properly in 2010, then stop programming and start working the Drive-Thru window where you belong.

Anyhow. Long rant short, you don't have to like my opinion. I just ask that you respect it so I don't have to call you an internet tough guy assclown who can't tell a Feral Ghoul from a Goron.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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