Saturday, November 27, 2010

The Island of Misfit Spinoffs, Sequels and Reboots

Since my review laid the smack down on Splatterhouse, I've decided to take a look at some other similarly ill-conceived, half baked, or late-term aborted sequels, spinoffs and reboots. So here we go!

Golden Axe: Beast Rider- The fact that it starred teh secksay Amazon from the original game in this reboot with a rather suggestive title didn't help sales of this piece of shit. Probably because they totally forgot what Golden Axe was all about- beating the hell out of people. With your friends. The fact that you can't play as Gilius Thunderhead is a pretty big red flag.

Final Fantasy X-2 - While Final Fantasy X is a pretty stupid game on its own...Good god, I can feel my brain vegetating just thinking about X-2.

Sonic The Hedgehog (06) Sega drops the ball again. I could choose many Sonic titles to criticize, but since I'm lazy I'll go with this one. Why is Sonic's love interest a human? I'm just creeped out by that.

Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow- I know, everyone likes this one. It just rubbed me the wrong way that this was like the 5th Castlevania where I was controlling an androgynous prettyboy.

Doom 3- I'm sorry Id, I thought this was Doom? Give me a gun, lots of ammo and plenty of light so I can see who I'm exploding into blood sausage!

Alone In the Dark (2008) It was unplayable. And the script was HILARIOUSLY bad. And did I mention THE DESIGN TEAM LOOKED TO UWE BOLL'S MOVIE FOR INSPIRATION. There's no way it could have turned out good.

Final Fight: Streetwise- Capcom thought it would be a good idea to make a Final Fight game without a playable Mike Haggar. This is the least of the game's problems, but that fact doesn't bode well, does it? They attempted to make a series that was reasonably lighthearted (or at least not too serious) and turn it into a grim and gritty urban sleazefest.

Bomberman: Act Zero- OK, maybe grim and gritty wasn't as big of a jump for Final Fight. I mean especially when compared to bomberman. Turning the cute lil' Bomberman into...a Master Chief ripoff was a terrible idea. And that's just the beginning of the problems.

GoldenEye: Rogue Agent- I don't think the crew of this had seen the film GoldenEye OR played the video game. They just heard the name and knew it was a cash-in and turned out this festering communal toilet of a game.

007 Racing- Another piss-poor James Bond game, this one has you driving around many classic cars, only it isn't fun because they all control exactly the same (badly) and it's less a racing game than a shitty vehicular combat game. I'd rather play Twisted Metal, myself.

King's Quest: Mask of Eternity- This is probably the game on this list that I hate the least. It was a decent game, just...not King's Quest.

Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3- They went overboard with the camp aesthetic here. Although the second game was campy (in the vein of a 50's Sci Fi flick), I just feel they went too far here. Although George Takei as the emperor of Japan is rather amusing.

Warcraft 3- There, I said it. Compared to the first two, it just felt too generic throw-it-all-in fantasy- like they were trying as hard as they could to see how far they could go without Games Workshop suing them. The big shoulders and lack of Bill Roper's voice didn't help. This is probably the only Blizzard game I really dislike (somehow I enjoyed WoW despite the art style). I think this one focused too much on the Hero aspect, which some people love, I just didn't care for it.

Metroid: Other M- Benzaie said it best. "Blah, blah, blah, the baby, blah, blah."

Medal of Honor: Rising Sun- You know, this game wasn't terrible just...not an impressive followup to the legendary Frontline. The gameplay was fine, and the move to the Pacific theater was a good choice. Unfortunately it was too short, linear, and shallow to make much of an impact.

Prince of Persia 3D- Before the truly wonderful Sands of Time, we dealt with this headlong jump into the polygon ceiling. 

Prince of Persia: The Warrior Within- After making a sublime, genre-redefining game with Sands of Time, Ubi Soft decided to go a different direction, turning the once-likeable Prince into...a jerk who smoldered with generic rage. Honestly, the gameplay isn't terrible (it is after all, the Sands of Time engine.), but the game is just...not as fun.

Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness -I'm usually a pretty staunch defender of Lara Croft and the Tomb Raider series. This is the notable exception where I have absolutely nothing nice to say. It shipped broken and buggy. While the Crystal Dynamics reboots are nothing special, they're much better than this mess.

Silent Hill: Shattered Memories- Why do horror games (with the standout exception of Resident Evil) get such shit-tastic reboots? It wasn't scary, it wasn't tense, it wasn't even very interesting.

Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures - Let's take the beloved hero of the classic arcade game, turn him into a henpecked husband and let the player experience THAT! Good idea, Namco! Why is this game practically forgotten again?

Death By Degrees - Now I'm just picking on Namco. Take THAT!

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