Selective Fire Canon: Star Wars

"You'll find that many of the truths that we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

...Obi-Wan explains the film Rashomon

The Star Wars Universe is one big clusterf***. Depending on what you like and what you don't you're going to pick and choose your own canonicity, in spite of what George Lucas says. Because he's old and senile and basically nuts. 

So I count the original trilogy, as originally released in theaters (in 77, 81, and 83), as indisputable canon. I'm not going to argue that Luke and Leia are siblings. I am going to argue that Boba Fett is space-Clint Eastwood and not an australian guy.

I count Timothy Zahn's Thrawn trilogy of novels. Because I like them. I count the Dark Forces/Jedi Knight series of games- I accept that Kyle Katarn obtained the Death Star plans from the secret Imperial base and later did other incredibly badass things. And Shadows of the Empire is canon. Again because it's awesome.

I also count Splinter of the Mind's Eye, and the Han Solo and Lando Calrissian trilogies as canon.

I don't count the Special Editions. They were cool when I was 9, but now they just piss me off.

I count some of the prequels' events and characters- as in I believe that most of those characters existed and events happened in the Star Wars universe...I just don't believe that Anakin was such a whiny bitch, or that the clone army was based off of Boba Fett's dad (which is probably the biggest and most painful pandering I've seen short of having Natalie Portman naked for the entire film.). I thought Boba Fett was awesome before that. When you see him as a little kid going "Heh heh heh"...well shit, I'm done.

I also tend to believe Mace Windu was a much cooler character. Not the level-headed guy he was, because WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE SAMUEL L JACKSON PLAY A CALM AND COLLECTED GUY?

I tend to believe the exploits of Obi-Wan, Qui-Gonn, and Yoda are well represented. However I accept that the Gungans were actually a race of Hawkmen (as evidenced by the fact that Brian Blessed, Prince Vultan himself, is their leader). However, Hawkmen would have been too f***ing awesome so they were recast as incompetent underwater Jakovasaurs. I believe Darth Maul existed, had a double-bladed lightsaber and looked like the Devil.

I don't really think that Palpatine fooled anyone with his Sidious bullshit. Seriously, have you ever tried to keep a hoodie down like that? It doesn't work for long, and surely everyone would recognize the f***ing Republic's chancellor and wondered where he was disappearing to while meeting with his lackeys.

And finally, I believe Christopher Lee's character existed. I just have a problem with the fact that he's called "Dooku", which is one step away from Dookie. So in the Chad Morelock Canon, he is officially Count Dracula. In space. With a lightsaber.

Dracula Approves.

And for the record, Old Anakin appears at the end of Jedi. While a traditional Ewok celebratory song- Yub Nub! Is played.

Shining Force- Save Our Series!

I'm a big fan of the first two Shining Force games (and I'm sure I'd be a fan of the third if I had a Saturn and the money to get a copy). If you haven't played them, I recommend downloading the two Genesis classics from the Wii Virtual Console or checking them out on Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection for the PS3 and 360.

I really love them. They're the first example of the Tactical RPG that America saw (while Nintendo did create Fire Emblem first, that series didn't see Western shores until the 21st Century. Your loss, Nintendo. ). In any case, they allow for a much more interesting battle system than you find in Final Fantasy and Dragon Warrior, much more akin to the wargame-descended tabletop roleplaying games like Dungeons and Dragons, allowing you to move units around during combat, use terrain to your advantage, and use traps, ambushes, and area-of-effect spells.

In addition, you had access to a multitude of cool characters- Centaur knights, Hawkmen (DIIIIIVE!), Dragons, Ninja, Samurai and...whatever the hell Domingo is (an egg monster from Mars, maybe?).

Unfortunately, in recent years the Shining Force series has derailed into a series of mediocre action RPGs which don't live up to the storied name of their predecessors.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you about a site that's dedicated to restoring the good name of the series. This site is a campaign to get Camelot Software Planning and Sega back together to continue the series. And they could use your help.

*Whistles the file select tune while you peruse the SOS page*

So anyway, I just wanted to bring this to your attention. You can also follow them on Twitter if you so desire (this is in fact how I learned about the campaign).

C'mon! It'll be an adventure!

5 Classic Game Series That Deserve A Reboot

1. Crusader- The two Crusader games, No Remorse and No Regret, are some of my all time favorite action games. For starters, your character, The Silencer- is one of the most complete bad-asses you'll ever play. Second, this series would benefit wonderfully from modern tech and gameplay mechanics. The Silencer incorporated cover-based gameplay years before Gears of War made it popular, and I think it's time this classic returns. Viva la resistance!

2. Alone in the Dark -2008's Alone in the Dark was a mess. And that's being extremely kind. With the exception of the PS3 version which had a little more time to cook, it was almost unplayable. In any case, since 2000's New Nightmare, the series has derailed considerably from its moody, Lovecraftian source material and become...I don't know what. A sad fate to befall the progenitor of the survival horror genre, and I don't think the series deserves that. The solution? Ditch the CSI/X-Files crap and go back to creepy, mysterious settings- preferably in the 1930s like the original trilogy. Actually have the player be...Alone...in the dark!

3. MediEvil - MediEvil was an awesome game for the original Playstation. And what thanks did it get? One measly sequel and a PSP remake. The re-animated skeleton Sir Daniel Fortesque should be one of Sony's most important characters, but it seems he's been left by the wayside. I think it's about time he joins Nathan Drake and Kratos in Sony's Hall of PS3 Heroes. 

4. Rocket Knight Adventures - What might at first seem a takeoff on the Sonic the Hedgehog style mascots with attitude, the Sparkster games were a unique pair of very enjoyable platformers. Konami is one of my favorite developers, and this game is a great example of why- they make games that come together really well, and are extremely fun to play. I'd rather see them give us a new Sparkster title than see another Metal Gear.

5. Star Wars: Dark Forces/Jedi Knight - Somehow lost in the mix of high quality shooters and low quality games based on the Star Wars prequels, the exploits of mercenary/Jedi Kyle Katarn may be gone, but they're not forgotten, as Katarn has become one of the more popular expanded universe Star Wars characters. Unfortunately, we haven't seen him in a new game in ages. And we'd like to. 

New Video- Best Glitch Ever

Pissing on your beloved gaming memories

Me and my buddy Anthony riff on one of the most beloved moments in gaming. Let the fanboy rage commence! Now watch the damn video.

Sequels to Shitty Games

Well it's been a rather disappointing year in the sequel and remake department. We've had the insulting Metroid: Other M,  the tedious and non-scary Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, the love-it-or-hate-it Sonic The Hedgehog 4 (although I fell into the "Love it" camp), and as of last Tuesday, the in name only remake of GoldenEye (played it, hated it, moving on).*


However, these are all games in well-known, storied series. It's natural that after a certain number of games (or in the case of GoldenEye, one inimitable classic), the fanbases become unpleasable and the developers lose steam.

God in Heaven, what did we do to deserve this?

On the other hand, the fact there is a Kane and Lynch 2 is completely inexcusable. And with word that two other critically panned games, Naughty Bear and Wet, are receiving sequels, one has to wonder. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?


The thing that Kane and Lynch, Naughty Bear and Wet share is that none of them did particularly well with critics or gamers. And they aren't cult classics that went unappreciated like Ico or Lunar. All three got mediocre (at best) reviews. Is mediocrity the new great? Is that what developers should be striving for? Remember from the 16-bit days, games like Radical Rex and Awesome Possum? Remember the long series they spawned? Of course not, because they fucking sucked! -or at least were so average as to NOT warrant sequels. Games that aren't successful are usually unsuccessful for a good reason. There's a reason that shit sandwiches like Blinx the Time Sweeper and Space Bunnies Must Die never went beyond a first installment. Because they sucked and no one wanted to own them, or be that weird guy down the street who had a copy of eXtreme Paintbrawl.


And before you ask, YES, all of those games exist. I did not make any of them up.


So anyway, why do we get sequels to lukewarm piles of elephant droppings when there are so many good games that have never received sequels? Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem? A Boy and His Blob on the Wii? Heck, how about a new Earthworm Jim game?


But no, of course not. We get what amounts to big-budget shovelware. The least they can do is, if they're going to give us a rotten game, give us a rotten game that's beautiful to look at and listen to (Final Fantasy X, I'm looking at you). The thing is, there are plenty of good franchises out there. And heck, some games need a second installment to refine and improve the first (Resident Evil is a shining example). I'm not saying that every good game needs to be a franchise, either. I mean I'm sure we could have gotten by with just one God of War,  but you know what? It was a good game that continued in two other good games!


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm planning a PS3/360 reboot to Wally Bear and the NO Gang.


*Some of these complaints may be related to my current problem with the Wii- the big name, 'important' games that don't feature Mario or Link have been pretty uniformly awful. But that's a tale for another time.

More musings on sexism that go nowhere.

(This is basically my sequel to women in gaming and like that one, I don't know if I have a point)

The funny thing is, for the better part of video gaming's existence, suggestively and scantily clad female characters have been the norm. I think that might be what separates Lara Croft from a lot of other similarly-clad female characters. Sure, she may run around in a tank top and daisy dukes, but she's a very capable woman in spite of that. And at least she has the sense to wear a jacket in snowy weather from the second game forward. The women of the Final Fantasy series are not so lucky, as cold-weather wear for women seems to be an alien concept in those worlds. For VII and VIII I could accept that as part of the graphics limitations. For X and XII...it becomes much more idiotic. They don't sell fleece hoodies anywhere?

Although to be fair to those two games, the male characters were just as inappropriately dressed to be galavanting around anyplace cooler than Hawaii in summer, and I'm sure there are some places where dressing like Tidus will have you declared mentally unstable. Seriously, why is one pants leg shorter than the other!

The thing is, sexism in games can be prevalent even where we don't think it is. More often than not, games are skewed toward the male demographic, and also with the thought that all men are perverts. Some games acknowledge the sexism and use it towards humorous ends- Duke Nukem and the old Leisure Suit Larry games are examples of this. In other cases, as in Silent Hill 2, a dark undertone of misogyny serves to disturb the player, to symbolize some of the things that are very wrong with the game's protagonist. The Silent Hill example leads to a particularly interesting dichotomy- if you pay attention, Pyramid Head is the only obviously male monster in the game. We first encounter Pyramid head forcing himself on a mannequin- the same (clearly female)mannequins James has been beating down in the streets. James' problems with women and his sexual frustration are thematically important to the game, and it creates an interesting broken-mirror parallel (especially once you've finished the game).

Have I mentioned Silent Hill 2 is brilliant lately?

To show you that I'm reading WAY too much into this, I'll go out on a limb and say that the classic fairy tale trope of "Rescue The Princess" which we see in Mario, Zelda, Splatterhouse, Resident Evil 4, and countless others- is by its very nature a sexist trope. On a funny note, the first Resident Evil game actually allows you to turn the trope on its head if you're playing as Jill and you rescue Chris from the cell.

But it might give the Zelda series some fresh life if, instead of playing as Link rushing in to save Zelda, let Zelda do some of the footwork. I'm sure some of that Sheik-Parkour would make for a fun game, Nintendo, and it certainly wouldn't be more of the same. Certainly a little forethought into sexism would have prevented the franchise killing Metroid: Other M ( I would be surprised if they can make a sequel without rebooting the series).

I guess to expand on the thoughts in my last post, there is a very strong undercurrent of sexism in the gaming industry. And yes, the lion's share of gamers are male and could give less of a damn. But gaming isn't an exclusive boys' club anymore. Gamers and marketers should be looking for new ways to play and new people to play with, rather than chasing off your potential market by slapping a bikini-clad bimbo on a game cover (of course I'm sexist for assuming that offends women- but then I can never win).