5 Classic Game Series That Deserve A Reboot

1. Crusader- The two Crusader games, No Remorse and No Regret, are some of my all time favorite action games. For starters, your character, The Silencer- is one of the most complete bad-asses you'll ever play. Second, this series would benefit wonderfully from modern tech and gameplay mechanics. The Silencer incorporated cover-based gameplay years before Gears of War made it popular, and I think it's time this classic returns. Viva la resistance!

2. Alone in the Dark -2008's Alone in the Dark was a mess. And that's being extremely kind. With the exception of the PS3 version which had a little more time to cook, it was almost unplayable. In any case, since 2000's New Nightmare, the series has derailed considerably from its moody, Lovecraftian source material and become...I don't know what. A sad fate to befall the progenitor of the survival horror genre, and I don't think the series deserves that. The solution? Ditch the CSI/X-Files crap and go back to creepy, mysterious settings- preferably in the 1930s like the original trilogy. Actually have the player be...Alone...in the dark!

3. MediEvil - MediEvil was an awesome game for the original Playstation. And what thanks did it get? One measly sequel and a PSP remake. The re-animated skeleton Sir Daniel Fortesque should be one of Sony's most important characters, but it seems he's been left by the wayside. I think it's about time he joins Nathan Drake and Kratos in Sony's Hall of PS3 Heroes. 

4. Rocket Knight Adventures - What might at first seem a takeoff on the Sonic the Hedgehog style mascots with attitude, the Sparkster games were a unique pair of very enjoyable platformers. Konami is one of my favorite developers, and this game is a great example of why- they make games that come together really well, and are extremely fun to play. I'd rather see them give us a new Sparkster title than see another Metal Gear.

5. Star Wars: Dark Forces/Jedi Knight - Somehow lost in the mix of high quality shooters and low quality games based on the Star Wars prequels, the exploits of mercenary/Jedi Kyle Katarn may be gone, but they're not forgotten, as Katarn has become one of the more popular expanded universe Star Wars characters. Unfortunately, we haven't seen him in a new game in ages. And we'd like to. 

New Video- Best Glitch Ever

Pissing on your beloved gaming memories

Me and my buddy Anthony riff on one of the most beloved moments in gaming. Let the fanboy rage commence! Now watch the damn video.

Sequels to Shitty Games

Well it's been a rather disappointing year in the sequel and remake department. We've had the insulting Metroid: Other M,  the tedious and non-scary Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, the love-it-or-hate-it Sonic The Hedgehog 4 (although I fell into the "Love it" camp), and as of last Tuesday, the in name only remake of GoldenEye (played it, hated it, moving on).*


However, these are all games in well-known, storied series. It's natural that after a certain number of games (or in the case of GoldenEye, one inimitable classic), the fanbases become unpleasable and the developers lose steam.

God in Heaven, what did we do to deserve this?

On the other hand, the fact there is a Kane and Lynch 2 is completely inexcusable. And with word that two other critically panned games, Naughty Bear and Wet, are receiving sequels, one has to wonder. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?


The thing that Kane and Lynch, Naughty Bear and Wet share is that none of them did particularly well with critics or gamers. And they aren't cult classics that went unappreciated like Ico or Lunar. All three got mediocre (at best) reviews. Is mediocrity the new great? Is that what developers should be striving for? Remember from the 16-bit days, games like Radical Rex and Awesome Possum? Remember the long series they spawned? Of course not, because they fucking sucked! -or at least were so average as to NOT warrant sequels. Games that aren't successful are usually unsuccessful for a good reason. There's a reason that shit sandwiches like Blinx the Time Sweeper and Space Bunnies Must Die never went beyond a first installment. Because they sucked and no one wanted to own them, or be that weird guy down the street who had a copy of eXtreme Paintbrawl.


And before you ask, YES, all of those games exist. I did not make any of them up.


So anyway, why do we get sequels to lukewarm piles of elephant droppings when there are so many good games that have never received sequels? Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem? A Boy and His Blob on the Wii? Heck, how about a new Earthworm Jim game?


But no, of course not. We get what amounts to big-budget shovelware. The least they can do is, if they're going to give us a rotten game, give us a rotten game that's beautiful to look at and listen to (Final Fantasy X, I'm looking at you). The thing is, there are plenty of good franchises out there. And heck, some games need a second installment to refine and improve the first (Resident Evil is a shining example). I'm not saying that every good game needs to be a franchise, either. I mean I'm sure we could have gotten by with just one God of War,  but you know what? It was a good game that continued in two other good games!


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm planning a PS3/360 reboot to Wally Bear and the NO Gang.


*Some of these complaints may be related to my current problem with the Wii- the big name, 'important' games that don't feature Mario or Link have been pretty uniformly awful. But that's a tale for another time.

More musings on sexism that go nowhere.

(This is basically my sequel to women in gaming and like that one, I don't know if I have a point)

The funny thing is, for the better part of video gaming's existence, suggestively and scantily clad female characters have been the norm. I think that might be what separates Lara Croft from a lot of other similarly-clad female characters. Sure, she may run around in a tank top and daisy dukes, but she's a very capable woman in spite of that. And at least she has the sense to wear a jacket in snowy weather from the second game forward. The women of the Final Fantasy series are not so lucky, as cold-weather wear for women seems to be an alien concept in those worlds. For VII and VIII I could accept that as part of the graphics limitations. For X and XII...it becomes much more idiotic. They don't sell fleece hoodies anywhere?

Although to be fair to those two games, the male characters were just as inappropriately dressed to be galavanting around anyplace cooler than Hawaii in summer, and I'm sure there are some places where dressing like Tidus will have you declared mentally unstable. Seriously, why is one pants leg shorter than the other!

The thing is, sexism in games can be prevalent even where we don't think it is. More often than not, games are skewed toward the male demographic, and also with the thought that all men are perverts. Some games acknowledge the sexism and use it towards humorous ends- Duke Nukem and the old Leisure Suit Larry games are examples of this. In other cases, as in Silent Hill 2, a dark undertone of misogyny serves to disturb the player, to symbolize some of the things that are very wrong with the game's protagonist. The Silent Hill example leads to a particularly interesting dichotomy- if you pay attention, Pyramid Head is the only obviously male monster in the game. We first encounter Pyramid head forcing himself on a mannequin- the same (clearly female)mannequins James has been beating down in the streets. James' problems with women and his sexual frustration are thematically important to the game, and it creates an interesting broken-mirror parallel (especially once you've finished the game).

Have I mentioned Silent Hill 2 is brilliant lately?

To show you that I'm reading WAY too much into this, I'll go out on a limb and say that the classic fairy tale trope of "Rescue The Princess" which we see in Mario, Zelda, Splatterhouse, Resident Evil 4, and countless others- is by its very nature a sexist trope. On a funny note, the first Resident Evil game actually allows you to turn the trope on its head if you're playing as Jill and you rescue Chris from the cell.

But it might give the Zelda series some fresh life if, instead of playing as Link rushing in to save Zelda, let Zelda do some of the footwork. I'm sure some of that Sheik-Parkour would make for a fun game, Nintendo, and it certainly wouldn't be more of the same. Certainly a little forethought into sexism would have prevented the franchise killing Metroid: Other M ( I would be surprised if they can make a sequel without rebooting the series).

I guess to expand on the thoughts in my last post, there is a very strong undercurrent of sexism in the gaming industry. And yes, the lion's share of gamers are male and could give less of a damn. But gaming isn't an exclusive boys' club anymore. Gamers and marketers should be looking for new ways to play and new people to play with, rather than chasing off your potential market by slapping a bikini-clad bimbo on a game cover (of course I'm sexist for assuming that offends women- but then I can never win).

Women in Gaming: The Disconnect

When you look up the term "Gamer Girl" on Google, this is the first image result that comes up. Warning: NSFW

With the small possibility that, as a 360 owner* she may be mentally retarded, what's the first thing you notice? Not the games. You notice that it's a very naked woman. And she has video games covering up her naughty bits.

*No real offense to 360 owners or the mentally challenged intended. Did I mention my Sony bias today?

Now I'm sure some people won't see a problem with this. If this is the case, please seek professional counseling.

By Nintendo. You know, for kids!

 What I'm finding is a divide between real gamer girls- i.e gamers that happen to be girls, and chicks that are basically muddying the waters and helping further the notions that gamers are immature.

1. Real Gamer Chicks: Much like a gamer guy. Can talk competently about games. They actually play video games and are typically a lot of fun to hang out with. Can probably kick your ass in at least one game. They are valued because they're cool, fun, and awesome to hang out with.

2. Fake Gamer Chicks, or more simply: Attention Whores. These are the girls that come onto the gaming scene and throw the fact that you're attractive in your face because they want attention, and insultingly believe all gamers to be so sex-starved that you'll have to pay attention to them, while in reality you want them to leave you the fuck alone. This type is only valued as eye candy.

The fake is the bane of my existence as a gamer. It makes every male gamer look bad because by not vocally objecting we may as well condone it. The problem is, the gaming media sort of pushes them on us (like Olivia Munn. Annoying. Useless.). You'll see them around the internet. Posing with Nintendo controllers on their naughty bits (keep some disinfectant handy), wearing 'sexy' versions of game character costumes that aren't ordinarily sexy, you know the deal. 

You can't see her underwear? Lara Croft is such a prude!

It's not good for male gamers' images, and it's not good for women, either. It makes us males look like we're perpetual 13-year olds and makes women look like their only value is their sex appeal. Granted, game designers don't help with this- it seems a little odd that we've gone from complaining about Lara Croft's depiction in the 1990's and can now look back in the age of Bayonetta and God of War and say she's quite modest at her most revealing. I'm not trying to be puritanical, but think about it- do women serve any important function in God of War than to give you EXP in exchange for sex? I mean even Samus Aran has gone from wearing a bikini in the 'good endings' to wearing the less revealing yet more overtly sexual Zero Suit. And don't get me started on her characterization in Other M. That was just completely offensive to anyone who's lived a day past 1950.

Feels like I'm wearin nothin at all!

Now forgive my crazy ideas, but I prefer to value women on more than their looks. I happen to like women who don't need to look to me for approval for everything that they do. That's a normal function of a well-adjusted adult. 

Samus doesn't need to ask Adam for permission to use the Plasma Beam, and female gamers don't need to dress suggestively to get my attention. I simply ask that we mutually treat each other with respect and enjoy our mutual hobby. And as a male gamer who would rather our hobby be looked upon a little more favorably by culture at large, I request that we all go for respect.


I don't know if I really have a point. Just pisses me off I guess.

Game Review: Doom II RPG

I'll admit it: Since the first time I played Snake on my old Nokia, I've hated cell-phone based games. Playing a game on a screen with less resolution and definition than a Game Boy? Pass. So for the most part I've avoided them.

However, I was pretty bored while waiting for the pharmacy to fill my prescrips, so I started thumbing through the App catalog. Not too much of interest, then I found Doom II: RPG. Well...Doom is one of my all time favorites, and it sounded like it could be cool. So I decided to download it and give it a shot. And you know what? I was actually pleasantly surprised.

The game uses a lot of the assets- images, animations, sound effects, textures- from Doom I and II. There's also some new material, but if you've played the old Dooms (and you almost certainly have) you'll recognize a lot. 

And when you first start it up, you might think it play like a simplified, single plane version of doom. Well, the presentation is pretty similar. You have your weapon on screen and your HUD underneath. You explore the Moon Base much like you'd play a normal game of Doom- a bit of a mix between the originals and 3- you can find logs on computer terminals (or maybe they were inspired by Marathon). Combat, however is a bit different, and when you encounter an enemy you fight them in a turn-based fashion. Your player character- I chose the Sarge because...well, he's the freakin' Doom guy- starts with an Assault rifle and a variety of stats that will influence their combat prowess. The Major starts with better accuracy, the scientist with...I'm not sure, I think he's the wimp that serves as "hard mode"- and the Sarge has superior strength and defense.

 You'll find your way around the base, collecting keycards, talking to redshirts, and fighting demons. Along the way you'll discover ways to increase your stats (i.e. target practice to improve accuracy, hitting the treadmill to increase agility) and Nano Drinks. These temporarily boost one or more of your stats. I recommend stocking up on them- judicious use of them makes the later part of the game much less of a hassle. As you fight, you'll gain experience and eventually level up. Now this is done more in line with a traditional tabletop RPG where your increases in stats will be pretty modest and not take place often, as opposed to a Final Fantasy where you level up constantly. You'll find a variety of mostly familiar weapons- the classic shotgun, chaingun, chainsaw, and BFG are all present- as well as the Holy Water Pistol.

You'll notice pretty early on that the game doesn't take itself too seriously. When you shoot a demon with the holy water pistol their eyes go cartoony and large. Your nano drinks include things like "Power Punch" and "Hell Knight Sweat". One of the enemies is called a "Sawcubus". As well, some of the items you find on corpses are humorous in nature. You'll find everything from a D20 to and a nudie mag in the gag item text. You'll also run into a snarky computer AI (again, they must have been playing Marathon).

And how does it play? Well, for a game on a cell phone, not bad at all. I didn't find it annoying to control. In fact I found it pretty addictive and fun. I can safely say that Doom II RPG will serve as a boredom killer for a long time to come. My only real complaint is that it's very short. However, this might not be a problem for you if you play it in short sessions, as opposed to me, who ran his phone battery down twice in the course of gameplay. However, even when you're done there are three difficulty settings and three characters to play, so there's a bit of replay value. You won't mind coming back to this one.